Melvin Durai Humour Column

The Olympics give us reason to hope

2008-08-26T21:15:01Z

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone. Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught...(read more)

The shot heard around the world

2008-08-14T05:41:53Z

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support. Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event...(read more)

Good spelling saves some yelling

2008-08-14T05:39:27Z

Because I'm Indian, many people assume I'm good at spelling. After all, six of the last 10 winners of the National Spelling Bee are of Indian descent and three of them are now making millions on the PSA (Professional Spelling Association) tour. Unfortunately, I'm a terrible speller. It's a good thing I can do a spell-check on my computer or I'd really embrace myself. Spelling is a good skill to have -- and not just for writers. If you can't spell words correctly, your boss...(read more)

Swap a kidney, but don't try to buy one

2008-08-14T05:38:28Z

Anyone want to swap a kidney? No, I don't need one, but Lois Wilson's husband, Dave, does. The British Columbia woman recently placed an ad on the classified site Craigslist, seeking another couple to swap kidneys with. Basically, if you need a kidney and Lois's kidney happens to match yours, and if your partner can spare a kidney that happens to match Dave's, the kidney swap can take place, as long as the authorities approve and neither kidney files a motion in court. Thankfully...(read more)

Appreciate Mandela while you can

2008-08-14T05:37:13Z

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash. Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?" Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking." Wife: "I know what...(read more)

Column: Letter of appreciation to Tiger Woods

2008-08-14T05:26:11Z

Dear Tiger, My name is Baldev Singh (no relation to Vijay ) and I too play golf. You may have heard of me. Last month, I won the prestigious Iraq Open. Let me tell you, it was an amazing experience. I've never played on a course with so many bunkers. At first, I was reluctant to go to Iraq. But my friend Mahmoud said to me, "Don't worry, Baldev. Everyone has a blast there." You must be wondering why Baldev, Iraq Open Champion, is writing you. Well, I heard you will not be playing...(read more)

Obama makes history in more ways than one

2008-06-20T22:06:41Z

Barack Obama has apparently clinched the Democratic Party's nomination for president, apparently gained enough delegates to ensure that he will run against John McCain to see who will spend the next four years looking totally incompetent. I say "apparently" because you can never count out Hillary Clinton, even if it appears that she has dropped out of the race. She just never quits. That's why she's still married to Bill, when most women would have sent him packing after the...(read more)

Guidelines for travelers entering America

2008-06-20T22:03:27Z

A U.S. Appeals Court has ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering America by air: 1. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the United States, as well as...(read more)

Nothing nice about rice price

2008-06-20T21:58:40Z

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza . I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party. My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli . She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but...(read more)

Olympics triggers protests, boycotts and name-calling

2008-04-21T17:02:15Z

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!” Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir...(read more)

A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

2008-04-09T20:15:20Z

Dear Parent, Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends. I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I...(read more)

Look up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

2008-04-09T20:13:35Z

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend...(read more)

Obama belongs to all of us

2008-04-09T20:12:10Z

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that...(read more)

The billionaire's house that's helping everyone

2008-04-09T20:10:01Z

What kind of house does a billionaire build? Well, if you're Bill Gates, you build a $100 million, high-tech house that's full of modern amenities, such as a 17-by-60-foot swimming pool that plays music underwater, a reception hall that seats 150 people and an underground shelter in case the maids and gardeners need to hide from immigration. If you're Mukesh Ambani, the Indian industrialist, you build a house that has 27 floors, a parking garage for 168 imported cars, and three helipads...(read more)

Too old to rule? Only if you drool

2008-04-09T20:05:03Z

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76. Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've...(read more)