Entertainment

Mnet

Administrator — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMT

We received the following message from Fred Dube.

Mnet is very confusing with the results of Big Brother on a Sunday night. On the first day when this show started they said that viewers must vote for the favourite housemate. Some Sundays they evict the housemates with the most votes and other Sundays they evict the housemate with the least votes. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING. Mnet maid a big balls - up with the final of idols this year. They counted the votes wrong and the wrong person won.

Mnet says that they evict the housemate from Big Brother who get the most votes against him or her, but that is not what they said at the beginning of the show.

Is it wrong to ask Mnet to evict the person who gets the least votes and keep the most popular one who gets the most votes? If you dare to ask, they attack you with nasty sms's on the sms strap.

Is it possible that Mnet can use the results in the same way each week and to stop to jump around like a animal with mad cow desease?

Revolution Part 2

Administrator — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:00:00 GMT

We received the following message from Fred Dube

Dear Editor

Some time ago, I informed you about Big Brother Revolution. On the first day, Mnet said that the rules are changed and that the viewers must vote for the person who is their favourite. This means that the housemates with the most votes will stay in the house while the one with the least votes will be evicted.

Well, for the first few weeks they evicted the housemates which got the most votes. Then they change and evicted those with the least votes - this is how it must be from the beginning. Well, last Sunday (1 November) it was the same story - they evicted the housemates who got the MOST votes.

It is clear that Mnet does not know their own rules! How can Alexander Philps put the wrong name in the envelope. The thing is that housemates were evicted who still had a change to win the big price. Is this how this show must be host?

The big price is $200 000 - one expects that the rules will be fair and not the way how Mnet is currently dealing with this show. This is a big pervert thing at the moment. From the beginning the rules changed after every few weeks - Mnet said at the beginning that you must vote for your favourite and after that, they changed the rules out of their own. Thank God, we are not wasting our money to vote - we only watch the live show on Sunday and even that is a farce.

Mnet will do anything to keep this Mzamo woman. They want a woman to win right from the beginning.

M E M O to Staff

Nathan Chikoya — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 04:00:00 GMT

Aha!!!This is creative and a big laugh.I like the restroom part made me laugh my lungs out bachief.

Tonga Anthem, The best african video mix from Zambia

Brian Albritton — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:00:00 GMT

Amazing! nice try.

Akantu

Zambian Author — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 04:00:00 GMT

If you have no enthusiasim or big goals or dreams or anything that motivates you, then this is not for you.

Hi fellow Zambians I bring you good news. But first i must say a thing or two, communication and exposure go hand in hand. For a team to win they must stick together, for a community to grow, they must stick together, for a country to grow......ok you get the idea.

Ever wanted somthing really bad, and everyone you ask says " ah you should have asked me last week", or somthing like that. Im going somwhere with this, hang on. There is a new website that will require the participation of everyone in one way or another, its free but it extremely amaizing. It makes the country we live in seem like a neigbourhood. It doesnt sound very attractive but believe me economic growth is better if the country seems smaller.

The internet has made everything seem close together and now we are using this very tool to enhance our well-being in our communities. Some people have small businesses like barber shops some have lots of old stuff sitting in storage but what you dont know is there may be someone who wants what you have.

So How do we capitalise on this exactly? Good question. I bring you a website that is great for advertising whatever you have, be it jobs, accommodation, merchendise. you will be reaching out to the whole city just by posting an ad free on the website. Its easy to use, just register and post somthing, here is another idea, if you so badly want a phone for example, you can post an ad that says

" Hi im looking for a samsung phone please email me if your willing to get rid of yours thank you"

Before you know it, emails will be flooding to you. its amazing how many people you can reach with this tool. The list is endless bear in mind that posting anything here is just as good as going on tv and telling the world what you want or got. Im sure your getting my drift. There is one difference though, you pay huge sums of money to go on tv or even radio so why not take advantage of this free tool.

I understand that the economy is rough and not everyone can afford to go on tv or radio so this is basically heaven on earth, still on the bright side, newspapers, tv and radio etc will be forced to drop prices to lure customers. no one needs to worry about spreading the word, great deal isint ti?

Ok finally this will only remain an artical if you dont act now, be a part of a revolution register right now and tell a friend or two, siblings mum dad and the guy down the street. remember communities grow by sticking together. money need to exchange hands for the world to rotate, ok i exagarated a little but if youre smart you will start today and good luck to us all because im not doing this for me im doing it to stick together so we can win, r u gonna be the weak link?

oh iam sorry if youre still wondering the website is www.akantu.com

Revolution

Administrator — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:00:00 GMT

We received the following from Fred Dube

Dear Editor

We are only watching the live show (Big Brother Revolution) on a Sunday night and we can still see how pervert this Mnet show is.

When this years show started, Mnet said that the rules were changing and that viewers have to vote for those housemates who they want to save. The housemates who get the most votes will stay in the house and those with the least votes will be evicted. Well, for the past 2 Sundays when they show how the countries were voted the housemates with the most votes were evicted. How does it work? It is very clear that Mnet does not know what they want.

It is also general knowledge that the two housemates of South Africa always will get the most votes because the country with the most viewers is South Africa. Mnet will also keep these two housemates to keep South Africans watching. This also show how pervert this show is. These two housemates will stay until the final and then it will be a political issue between the white and black South African viewers - like these show always are. The rich white viewers always vote for white people to win. If you have a look at Idols (SA) you will get all the proof you need.

Regards

Fred Dube

Entertainment

Zambian Author — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:00:00 GMT

Group for Zambian Entertainment including Zambian Music, Zambian Movies and Zambian Television.

Re: The Dark Side of Life

glory33 — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:00:00 GMT

Hello my dearest,
Hope you are doing just fine over there.My name is Glory. I just want to let you know that l came accross your profile and your e-mail adderss from.(www.thezambian.com) here and after going through it l found you intresting,hope you don't mind. If you are intrested in knowing more about me and for me to send you my picture,just feel free to contact me at my private mail addresse at(glory_mandi@yahoo.com) Hope to hear from you soon,have a nice day and stay blessed.
Glory

please contact me with this email(glory_mandi@yahoo.com)thanks.

English Words Required

Chief Chiawa — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 04:00:00 GMT

Words desperately required in the English Language:

1.Aquadextrous (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2.Carpertuation (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3.Disconfect (dis kon fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4.Elbionics (el bon iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5.Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing you across the room, until finally you decide to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6.Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

8.Phonesia (fo nee zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9.Pupkus (pup kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

MAKING A BABY

Chief Chiawa — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 04:00:00 GMT

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

Cucumber, Penis & a Pickle

Chief Chiawa — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 04:00:00 GMT

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were talking about life!

The cucumber said, 'when I get big and hard, they chop me up and toss me
in a salad!'

The pickle says, 'you got it easy mate! When I get big and hard, they
chop me up and drown me in vinegar!'

The penis says, 'lads, that's nothing compared to what I go through when
I get big and hard! They put a plastic bag over my head, shove me into a
small, warm, damp cave and bang my head against a wall until I throw up
and faint!'

Cactus Agony

Hip Hop Foundation Of Zambia — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 05:00:00 GMT

Cactus's musical aspirations began in south London, England where he was schooled in writing and toasting by his close friend Mr.Lopez and a South London Hip Hop outfit called the Nappy Clinch Clan. Living in and around London's African and Jamaican Community gave Cactus, as he says, a better understanding of he was and what he represented, hence the album title track "Bush Territory". A year later he went on to study at Middlesex University and eventually returned to Zambia, Africa in 1999. In 2001, Cactus became part of a Zambian Based Hip-Hop label called cypher music for a year and this saw his debute appearance onto the Zambian Music Scene.Not long after, He sought out the producers for his album, "Bush Territory" and his search led him to top producer and proprietors of Kula Music. A relentless performer, Cactus has been busy working with artists on the intertional and local scene, artists such as Hugh Masekela, Mirriam Makeba, P-Square,Joe Angels, Mr Switcher and alot more. As time went on, he was given the alias "The phillosopher" by the Kula family because his songs always reveal spiritual insight, deeper life phillosophy and an understanding of the power of love. It is clear to see and hear that Cactus was born to do what he does and his lyrical content and style sets him apart from any other artists. Combining his rap like flows with the melodies and chants commonly associated with reggae and dance hall music.his debute looks to be a hot one

[View:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rG9rYwH5XM:550:0]

http://www.myspace.com/cactusthephilosopher

Gone, but not forgotten...

Hip Hop Foundation Of Zambia — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 04:00:00 GMT

This was the golden era in Zambian Music - Zambian Rock stars talented beyond their years...forthe following tracks: - The Sentries - Sentry Connection Blackfoot - Groovy Bone Blackfoot - Sundie's Popcorn 5 Revolutions - Adaka Mwapulumuka Kunjala 5 Revolutions - You Don't Know Me 5 Revolutions - Respect Yourself 5 Revolutions - Kulemela Kwa Bambo Wanga Cool Knights - Soul Bana Mulenga visit - http://www.akwaabasound.com//snd/music/

Most educated corpse.

mimi66 — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Every time I went on a course I used to proudly tell my neighbour about them. One day she said to me:" I bet you will be the most educated corpse in the graveyard when you die."

The Olympics give us reason to hope

Zambian Author — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Some experts debated endlessly whether Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. As for me, I just had to watch a few of his races to realize that he's the greatest athlete to ever compete in the Olympics wearing Speedos.

Bolt does not wear Speedos, but he's extremely speedy. So speedy, in fact, that he broke the world record in the 100m dash, despite taking a break in the middle to eat some Jamaican jerk chicken. It happened so fast that only sharp-eyed IOC president Jacques Rogge noticed it and made a big issue of the Jamaican jerk.

Bolt and Phelps were phenomenal, but so was Natalie du Toit, the South African swimmer. Du Toit had her left leg amputated at the knee in 2001 after a scooter accident, but kept competing and became the first female amputee to ever qualify for the Olympics. She finished 16th among 24 swimmers in the 10km marathon, ahead of eight swimmers and only about 80 seconds behind the winner. Just imagine what a difference another leg would have made. Yes, those eight swimmers might have beaten her with three.

Du Toit didn't win a medal, but she inspired many people and was part of a great showing by African athletes, who won 40 medals, a record for the continent. Most of the medals came in running, but if you don't think Africans can attack the water as aggressively as Phelps, you should have seen the Kenyans after the marathon. You should have also seen Tunisia's Oussama Mellouli, who won a gold medal in 1500m freestyle, and Zimbabwe's Kirsty Coventry, who won one gold and three silver, causing people in her homeland to name another cluster of babies after her: Backstroke Banda, Goldmedal Gondwe and Swimwell Sakala.

India won three medals in Beijing, including Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting. I'm most proud of the bronze medal that boxer Vijender Kumar won. I never thought an Indian would bring home a medal in boxing, not without breaking into the Cuban hotel rooms. But Vijender did it, and thanks to him, I can finally walk into a boxing gym, put on a pair of gloves and step into the ring, believing that I might be able to hold my own for a few minutes, at least until the other fighter shows up.

That's what the Olympics do -- they give us hope. Hope that we can be like Phelps or Bolt or Kumar. Hope that we can make the most of our abilities, like du Toit. Hope that even if we're short on talent, we can lip-synch our way to fame.

The shot heard around the world

Zambian Author — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop Indians from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”

Almost everyone in India, from the Prime Minister to the church minister, heaped praise on Bindra. Even members of the Indian Astronomers Association, attending a convention in Pune, took a break from the proceedings to applaud the "shooting star."

Congratulatory messages poured into India from all over the world. U.S. presidential candidate John McCain, hoping to endear himself to Indian-American voters, sent a congratulatory card that he said was "from one straight shooter to another."

Indian legislators debated a motion to celebrate Aug. 11 every year as Gold Medal Day. They voted down a proposal to display Bindra's medal at a national museum in Delhi, amid fears that the building would not be able to handle the millions who would come to view it.

The excitement and celebration may have seemed overblown, but not to Indians. "People around the world may not know this," a Chennai man said, "but we Indians really love gold!"

Bindra's victory, combined with shooter Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore's silver medal at the 2004 Olympics, is expected to increase the popularity of shooting in India, drawing thousands of youngsters to shooting competitions and exhibitions during breaks from cricket.

"We want shooting to be more popular in India," said sports administrator Baljit Singh, "but not as popular as it is in America."

Hoping to match the success of TGC (The Golf Channel) in America, media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced that Indian viewers would soon be treated to TSC (The Shooting Channel). It's expected to feature various shooting competitions from around the world, as well as reruns of the American shows "Gunsmoke" and "Have Gun Will Travel."

Rajesh Patel, who has been hired as a TSC analyst, said Bindra's victory will have a lasting impact in India, even on sports announcing. "We're not going to say that someone's performance is 'simply wonderful' anymore," he said. "We're going to say that it's 'simply Bindraful.'"

Schoolchildren for years to come will learn about Bindra, thanks partly to an Indian publisher who has already put out a special alphabet book: "A is for Abhinav. Abhinav is first name of champion. B is for Bindra. Bindra is surname of champion. C is for Chapati. Chapati is food of champion."

Bindra has not just earned a lifetime of adulation, he has become India's most eligible bachelor, receiving a flood of marriage proposals. Said his proud mother: "We have received proposals from North Indians, South Indians, even West Indians."

Indeed, a Trinidad dairy farmer with a 20-year-old daughter offered 1,000 cows in dowry, but Bindra turned down the offer, saying he doesn't want to milk his fame.

That pleased Indian sports fans, who want Bindra to choose his bride carefully, believing that the country's future Olympic glory rests partly on what type of genes his children inherit. Some are even dreaming of a match between Bindra and badminton star Saina Nehwal, an Olympic quarterfinalist. But that would be folly, according to one Indian scientist, who said, "If we match a badmintoner with a shooter, we might end up with a badshooter."

Good spelling saves some yelling

Zambian Author — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Because I'm Indian, many people assume I'm good at spelling. After all, six of the last 10 winners of the National Spelling Bee are of Indian descent and three of them are now making millions on the PSA (Professional Spelling Association) tour.

Unfortunately, I'm a terrible speller. It's a good thing I can do a spell-check on my computer or I'd really embrace myself.

Spelling is a good skill to have -- and not just for writers. If you can't spell words correctly, your boss might give you a peace of his mind. And as a result, you won't have any piece of mind.

Spelling is particularly important in certain professions. If you're a tattoo artist, for example, it's a good idea to know how to spell because -- and I'm going out on a limb here -- few of your customers will be former spelling bee champions. Customers can get quite angry when they discover they have a permanent misspelling on their posterior.

Customer: "You idiot! Look what you wrote: 'My hart belongs to Tommy.'"

Tattoo artist (scratching head): "What's wrong with that?"

Customer: "It's supposed to be Tammy!"

Tattoo artist: "No problem, dude. I'll just change the O to an A. It won't look too bad."

Customer: "Okay, man. And I'll do the same with your check -- change the 0 to an A. It won't look too bad."

It can be expensive to remove tattoos, so before you get one, make sure you go to a good tattoo parlor, not one that claims to have the "best artits in town."

The same goes for sign painters. You don't want to be the laughing stock of your neighborhood, even if misspellings can make some signs more effective, such as the one that a property owner put on his gate: "Warning: Trespassers will be prostituted."

A misspelling can hurt a business, confusing or even scaring potential customers. And yet you can find hundreds of misspellings on business signs -- and that's just in New York City. Wherever you live, just look around and you're likely to spot signs like these:

At a carpet warehouse: "Ask us about our low installation rats." (No thanks. I've already complained to the city about all the road dents.)

At a limousine rental business: "We make you feel very impotent." (I'd better bring my pills along.)

At a furniture store: "All our sofas are now on clarence." (Poor Clarence! Someone call 911.)

At an Indian restaurant: "We appreciate our costumers." (Especially the ones dressed like Gandhi.)

At an electrolysis office: "No appointment necessary. Open to the pubic." (Sorry, but mine doesn't read. You'd better invest in a pubic-address system.)

Some of the worst spellers -- aside from teen-agers on the Net -- are people holding signs at public demonstrations. A couple of years ago, during a Martin Luther King Day march in Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman waved a sign that said "I have a draem." That didn't look too bad, actually, compared to the sign beside her, carried by a man who appeared to have raided the local liquor store: "I have de rum."

Swap a kidney, but don't try to buy one

Zambian Author — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Anyone want to swap a kidney?

No, I don't need one, but Lois Wilson's husband, Dave, does. The British Columbia woman recently placed an ad on the classified site Craigslist, seeking another couple to swap kidneys with. Basically, if you need a kidney and Lois's kidney happens to match yours, and if your partner can spare a kidney that happens to match Dave's, the kidney swap can take place, as long as the authorities approve and neither kidney files a motion in court.

Thankfully, kidneys can't hire attorneys -- they don't have enough money -- but even so, finding a kidney is a major challenge, almost as difficult as finding a comb in Don King's house.

That's why Lois and others are willing to do swaps. It's officially known as the "live donor paired kidney exchange program" and is legal in at least two provinces in Canada. The "kidney exchange program" is sort of like the "student exchange program" that everyone is familiar with, except that kidneys stay for an indefinite period and are more hard-working.

Kidneys are extremely important to us. According to Wikipedia, kidneys have numerous roles within our bodies, including "excreting waste products, regulating blood pressure, secreting a variety of hormones and ensuring that the spleen feels totally inadequate."

Despite their importance, we tend to take our kidneys for granted. We spend more time thinking about our heart, our lungs and, at least three times a day, our stomach. Even when we go to the bathroom, we hardly ever think of our kidneys, unless we've had too much to drink and run into the towel rack. "Ouch! My kidney!"

Most of us will never have any kidney trouble, will never have to worry about searching for a replacement. We can concentrate on replacing other things, such as our hair, our teeth and our "Hillary for President" bumper sticker.

But if we're unlucky enough to suffer from kidney disease or another serious ailment that requires us to undergo dialysis, we'll know what Dave Wilson and others have to go through. At first, we might be optimistic, saying to ourselves, "Well, at least I don't need a heart transplant. Almost everyone has a spare kidney. All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I won't post naked pictures of them on the Internet."

We'll soon realize, of course, that coercing someone to donate a kidney is illegal. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I'll give them 50 grand, as well as a BMW and a 'Hillary for President' bumper sticker."

We'll soon realize, of course, that buying an organ is illegal, unless it happens to play music. The organ trade, thriving in some parts of the world, often results in the exploitation of poor people. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Exploiting a poor person would make me feel really guilty, so maybe I should try something else: exploiting a rich person."

We'll soon realize, of course, that rich people aren't easily exploited. (They might be tempted with a BMW, but only if it stands for Big Mansion in Waikiki.) Besides, it's illegal too. We wouldn't want to end up behind bars, even if we can impress all the folks there with our transplant scars. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe I can find someone who will give me a kidney out of the goodness of their heart -- or even the goodness of their kidney."

We'll soon realize, of course, that while such noble people exist, unless we have a prior relationship with them, we can't legally have their kidney. No, it goes to the next person on the official waiting list. "Stop cutting in line. Some of us have been waiting seven years," the person says, giving us a glare and motioning us to the back of the line, which stretches all the way around George Foreman. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe the line will get shorter if more people sign up to be organ donors. Or if George signs up for Weight Watchers."

We'll soon realize, of course, that many people are clueless about organ donation. Ask them if they'd like to sign up and they'll shake their heads, saying to themselves, "All I have is a keyboard." Others just want to hang onto their organs, even after they're dead, just in case they need them in the afterlife. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "I'm lucky that I have a close-knit family. I'm sure they'd all be willing to visit me in prison."

Appreciate Mandela while you can

Zambian Author — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash.

Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?"

Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking."

Wife: "I know what you're thinking -- that you need to do more drinking."

Me: "No, I'm thinking about Nelson Mandela. Did you know that he spent 27 years in prison, then came out and reconciled with his oppressors? That means that there's still hope for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger."

Wife: "Exactly how much have you had to drink?"

Actually, the only beer I drink is ginger beer. But I do occasionally drink wine and I'm hoping to raise a toast to the great man. Of course, one toast may not be enough. I'll probably have to toast him all day.

Me (raising glass): "To Mandela. May he live until he's 125."

Wife: "Isn't that your 125th toast today?"

Me: "Yeah, but don't worry: I'm going to take a break for breakfast. I'm starving."

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "Toast, of course. So I can raise it in Mandela's honor."

I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate Mandela, for he won't be around forever. If you have a chance to see him, don't miss the opportunity. Make a pilgrimage to South Africa, if you have to. If you can't afford the plane ticket, try going there on a raft. Even a piece of Styrofoam might work. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Mandela is the Gandhi of our time and if you're lucky enough to exchange a few words with him or shake his hand, you'll be able to brag about it for the rest of your life. You'll be the envy of everyone you meet. It'll be better than having tickets to the Wimbledon final. It'll be better than having a backstage pass at a U2 concert. It'll be better than having a child with Tom Brady.

Stranger: "Excuse me, is that the hand that once shook Mandela's hand?"

You (smiling broadly): "Yes, indeed. He put both his hands around it."

Stranger: "Wow, that's amazing. Do you allow people to shake it?"

You: "Yes, of course I do. Will you be using Visa or MasterCard?"

Stranger: "Do you accept cash?"

You: "Cash? This is 2025. Who uses cash anymore?"

Before you travel to South Africa, you need to make sure Mandela will be there. He's in demand all over the world. He has to attend concerts in his honor, unveil statues of himself on every continent and, of course, have tea at Buckingham Palace. He does it all with such grace and class, even whispering to the Queen that she need not bow.

Robert Mugabe, Hosni Mubarak and other leaders could learn from his example. He was elected president of South Africa in 1994 and, after serving one term, decided to step down, though he was only 81. He doesn't need power -- he has something far greater: integrity.

Column: Letter of appreciation to Tiger Woods

Zambian Author — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Dear Tiger,

My name is Baldev Singh (no relation to Vijay) and I too play golf. You may have heard of me. Last month, I won the prestigious Iraq Open. Let me tell you, it was an amazing experience. I've never played on a course with so many bunkers. At first, I was reluctant to go to Iraq. But my friend Mahmoud said to me, "Don't worry, Baldev. Everyone has a blast there."

You must be wondering why Baldev, Iraq Open Champion, is writing you. Well, I heard you will not be playing again this year to recover from your knee injury and, on behalf of other professional golfers, I just want to say this: THANK YOU.

Thank you for giving us a chance. We know you could have kept on playing. You won the U.S. Open with an injured leg -- a torn ligament and two stress fractures -- and you could have won the British Open while lying on a stretcher. You could have made us look really bad. You could have made us read headlines like this: "Woods Wins British Open, Returns to Intensive Care Unit."

But instead, you decided to be a generous man. And we are very thankful for that. Phil Mickelson is so grateful, he plans to mention you in his autobiography "Almost the Best." David Toms is so grateful, he plans to compete in the British Open with the letters "DT" (Dedicated to Tiger) on his shirt. Vijay Singh is so grateful, he plans to donate 10 percent of his earnings this year to the Save the Tiger Fund.

We appreciate all you have done for golf, Tiger. Thanks to you, many people are watching golf, even people in Afghanistan who usually prefer to watch goats graze. Thanks to you, golf is considered a real sport, no longer competing for attention with bingo and knitting. Thanks to you, we golfers are now considered athletes. Even John Daly is feeling a little athletic. You should have seen him running after the hot-dog cart.

You have won 14 major championships in the last 12 years. You have won every major tournament at least three times. You have nothing left to prove. That is why, on behalf of other professional golfers, I would like to ask you an important question: Have you ever considered early retirement?

Well, it wouldn't really be "early." After all, you have won 65 tournaments on the PGA tour. It is a significant number because, as you know, most people retire at 65. If I had won 65 tournaments, where do you think you would find me? On an island in the Caribbean, with a Swedish model by my side. You already have the Swedish model; all you need now is an island. There are many islands you can afford to buy. Is Trinidad big enough for you? What about Jamaica?

You have a lovely one-year-old daughter, Sam Alexis. Vijay, Phil and I were touched by the way she reached out to you at the U.S. Open. She couldn't talk, but looking at her expression, it was very clear to us what she was thinking: "Daddy, aren't you tired of hitting that little white ball? Don't you want to spend more time with me?"

You have earned almost $800 million in your career, but just in case you don't have enough money, Vijay, Phil and I have created the Tiger Woods Retirement Fund. We will each contribute 5 percent of our winnings from every tournament you miss. Vijay, bless his heart, has even agreed to take over all your sponsorship deals.

What do you say, Tiger? Do it for your wife. Do it for your daughter. Do it for Baldev, Iraq Open Champion.

Photo by Mike Davis