Regrets of a Newly Wed

 Hello, my name is Britany* and I got married in January this year to my long time sweetheart Ken*. We have a 3year old daughter we had in our courtship. The marriage ceremony was excellent as we had a kitchen party and wedding which also passed through the church for blessings after 3 months of marriage counselling.

Things between him and I were always so rosy right from the courtship until we said "I DO". It all seemed like from the movies that I got to see the true colours of my husband. He hits me like hell: and the reasons why you might ask.

1. I skit because I get more than he gets at the end of the month.  (He knew that even before we got married)                                                                                                                

2. I ask himwhy he exchange calls with his ex-girl friends and female colleagues from work at awkward hour (22:00hrs and beyond)

3. I dont do what he WANTS - Stop work (as if he will pay for our daughters school, buy her clothes, buy food, pay electricity, pay rent), cut off some of my friends even those I knew before knowing him .

4. Succumb to his constant insults : "You dont think, ndiwe wa chamba, you smoke, you are dull, you dont think straight, you are stupid, you should go back were you came from e.t.c."

and the list goes on.

Please can somebody out there advise me what to do as on Tuesday last week he beat me up in front of his sister and nephew and I got so fed up I was prepared for anything. Telling me to leave his house which he doesnt even pay for. As tradition requires, I called his shibukombe to explain the new episode and his phone was off and so I had no other choice but to call his elder his who until upto now has not come to resolve the issue or let alone just call to find out how we are living.

We had a one on one talk and he told me that he will NEVER STOP HEATING ME FOR AS LONG AS AM HIS WIFE! Confidently and I have told him that the next time he even raises his arms on me; that will be the end of us even though our marriage was blessed in a catholic Church.

Do you think I made the right decision.

Advise.

Hi Britany

Sorry to hear about this. In my opinion, any kind of abuse is wrong. As a Christian, I am taught in Ephesians 5:22 that I must also submit to my wife just as Jesus did for the church. This is servant leadership. Willingness to give up self for my wife. Willingness to get down and wash her feet just like Jesus washed his disciples' feet.

No matter what you're going through, prayer does work. Also, seek counseling with friends or family who have been in marriage built on a solid foundation.

 This is one of the saddest stories i have heard for some time. I feel for you. Your new husband is very ignorant if he does not realise that you will never be happy with him unless he ceases his violent behavior. As a female, i know how carried away we can get when we can compete intelectually or financially with a man. We tend to ever-step the boudaries of good behaviour and sensitivity when we are top.

But then again, his using the foul language to make you feel less than a human being just shows he is very intimidated with your potential and cannot handle it. He is a bully and can only understand the language of bullies. His shibukombes and brothers will not even have an impact because of his wounded pride.

Your best bet is not to give any man a chance to beat you again. If you don't, he will simply kill you my dear and where will your daughter be? With an abusive father and a string of step mummies? Do youself a favour and leave. This has nothing to do with girl power but with self preservation.

God bless and the best of luck with this fiend.

 First of all, "no woman should ever allow their husbands to abuse them." I know Zambia's laws have not yet caught up with this notion but the tide is changing. The law is making great strides and soon, all women will be protected and their Right upheld. There are many organizations, including our, that curter to the needs of abused women. You should seek them out and do what you are doing now, expose such issues to the general audience. Many will hear your plight and rally with for you. You situation is a bit similar to that of Duncan Mushala (there is are blogs on here and other websites exposing this abhorable man).

I know quite a bit about Catholic creed and it does not bound you to a life of abuse if your husband is abusing you. Talk to the Bishops and they will advice you in spiritual matters. But I can tell you that they even though your married was blessed Catholic, they are good Christians who look upon the acts of your husband with the disdain it deserves.  

But I also understand that millions of women in Zambia are in very precarious situations. Most are trapped because their husbands are the sole providers. This means they have no where to go should they decide to leave their abusive hubbies. I am not sure if your husband is in a similar position but many men, including Duncan Mushala use their positions in life to usurp power and dominion over their families. Since such husbands are the bread winners, they can abuse their families without any immediate consequences. But this is shortly coming to an end. Through such organizations as WRI and SAP, Zambian women who have since been disparately represented will now have a voice. You sound like you could need such representation and general counseling. I encourage you to seek these women’s organizations out.

I feel for your pain and hope you will not allow this to deteriorate to an extreme level. If you want a good example of a predatory man gone awry, go to the Chilenje Local Court on May 15^th at 8 am and witness the story of Duncan Mushala. You will see what heartache and pain a man like your husband can cause to his wife, family, and community. You will see first-hand the selfish attitudes of men like your husband.

Please Britany, never allow yourself to be treated like you have not Rights. I do not completely know your story but I am sure you will do the right thing. Stating your case here is step one, you will need to continue advocating for yourself and others.

 Greetings Brittany, I must say that it is not suprizing what-so-ever, the situation in which you are going through. Even though it saddens me to hear of it. In various countries over the world, women undergo these hedious acts by their love ones. (if that is what you want to call it) Funny though, there is a country known as Brazil the (Rio de geniro) very famous and people from all over go there as tourist to enjoy to wonder beaches and music, parties, celebrations and esp. the (CARNALVILE) beautiful women and handsom men. But behind these wonders lies a profound sickness and insidious disease that the men carry. These men, not all men belong to a secret society, with members ranging from the poorest of man to the riches of men. In representation to Honor, Dignity, and Respect.  However, here is how it is portrayed. It is said that anything south of the border is a man's world. Take cognizant to this again: anything south of the border is a man's. Any and everything else is secondary. This means Women! I am not going to go through the entire history of these peoples culture just the stupidity of how they think to some degree. Their anicent, man-made laws and customs. Note; when a woman is single having no boyfriend or husband  and is educated and financially well off, she is not threat to any man. Only when she gets involved with one and marries. She running a store front, he's not working. He decides it's time to take over the business and run it for her while she stays at home to become the woman that she is suposed to be but she denounces and rejects his offer. Now by doing so she is physically beaten by him or killed! He runs off and hides for a few days and when he turns himself in of is arrested by the local authorities ( Police) when he goes and stands in front of the judge, he tells his side of the story to the judge and the judge will ask him - why did this happen, why was she so badly beaten and abused or murdered; and the gentleman stands to confront your honor and assert (saying strongly) that is was because she, his wife, had derespected him, dishonored,and that his integrity as a man was lowered. The judge or judges drop all charges. Now this has been going on for at least a little over 100 years. Only once, I mean one time in history, Brazilian history has a man been charged and sentence to jail for killing a woman is lieu of a man. honesty, intregity being insulted. And this is because he was not a boyfriend, or husband to the woman. She was a single and beautiful woman. One of Brazils t.v./ soap opera Stars. This man and his wife were watching to show and he told his wife that he had to have her and marry her, so he and the missess went out  and drove to the t.v. soap stars location, followed her and than pulled her over on the side of the road and approached her with his proposition which she declined and was killed by he and the wife. For the first time in Brazilian history a man went to jail for killing a woman. (there's more to this story) My point is that times are changing and nothing stays the same forever. If you have to start life over again and without him than do so because once a man puts his hands on you beleive it or not it will happen again. In the United States back in the 20's , 30's up until the mid 70's was a man's world. even though women liberations were emproving. But then with the help of the courts systems, political structor, governmental agencies woman's rights and well as childrens rights were being well looked after and what was once a man.s world became a woman's world ( system of living) meaning if a man abused or abuses a woman, it doesnt have to be a spouse he is going to jail. Brittney I am taking for granted that you are a Zambian woman, and I was told by a dear friend of mines that the women there are called Queens.   I am quit sure that their is someone out there that would treat you and your family in a stately manner. There is an old saying I used on my son because of his demeanor towards me, and that is he way you treat your father is the way you treat GOD! This is the mental scar I placed on him for the rest of his life. When he thought about it, I could see the results. Nonetheless, for you, there are lots of ways to get out of the situation your in and when I say this I am not being flip either, but write to Oparh Winfrey, I mean it. let you story be told and if or when you do tell her I said hello. Take care and please do the right thing.     Charles  (Omowale)    I hope my spelling is'nt to bad. No time to correct them (sorry)

Hi britany*,

I have read your complained with sadness and i sympathize with your current predicament.

However, you need to furnish us with more details as to how you conducted yourselves before you had a child.

This infor will tell us what kind of marriage foundation preparations and plans you had right from the beginning for yourselves.

In my Opinion a relationship is a mirror of marriage. 

The fundamentals of a strong christian marriage relationship is based on the word of God-The biblical principles of marriage i.e. God's plan for marriage.

I would urge you to be serious with and pray fervently to your God.

If you have never prayed before, this is the right time.

The devil is right in your house using your husband to destroy your marriage relationship.

Kick the devil of your house with fasting and much prayer-then watch God fight your battle.

Do not nag your husband too much over several issues you have raised.

Just commit him in Gods hands and thank God for everything you are going thruogh.

Everything is done for a purpose.

God has seen your misery and soon he will act in your favour.

Do not allow the devil to tear your marriage apart-and a new marriage for that matter.

It could be that your husband has been pretending all along and not realy loving you as expected.

His interest as you can see is to use you.

The guy has lost interest and hence his innimical conduct.

Ask yourself if it is God's will for you to be humiliated in that marriage. 

Pastor Robert Lambwe-kitwe

 Yes Pastor lawbwe-kitwe, you are so right. When you have the word of God and practice his teachings, you can not go wrong. You see things and understand them more than alot of people. Brittany will be protected in our prayers.

 Hi Britany,

Your story is a painful one but you are the only one who can solve it. Your husband is in deep trouble mentaly and you will suffer under him the rest of your life. I know from experience that once a man thinks he can beat you, he will never stop. You are the one feeling the blows and therefore only you can decide when it is enough. Bear in mind that you are not only dealing with blows and words to cut your spirit down but also hiv which is very real and will surely come to you through his carelessness. I can only tell you this, I was in a 20 year relationship and finally got out last month after years of on again off again. You know you can manage your daughter and your house and bills so you don't need him for that. The problem is that you believe that he still loves you despite the way he treats you. Tell yourself the truth and realize that he cannot possibly love you and treat you that way. Do you treat your child that way? No. Why? Because you love her. What makes you think love is any different between couples? I or anyone else cannot feel how tight your shoes are. When you are ready to take them off, you will. Just know that you may pay a heavy price for taking them of later rather than sooner. My cousin was killed before she could give up her relationship. I lost two pregnancies to domestic violence and depression. What price are you willing to pay? When are you going to decide? In your grave? Wake up and shake yourself up. The devil has his hand in your marriage and unless you get your act together as far as praying is concerned, you will all die. The police in Zambia have a domestic abuse link that is active. Do not think about 'what will people say'. Think about you and your daughter. It is allowed and it is your right as a human being. Google universal christian ministries saint paul minnesota and send a prayer request to pastor fatai jubril. He will help you restore your life and advise you.

 DITCH HIS ASS FAST!!!!!!!!

forget about church and ***,the pastors come to your wedding to drink and your funeral to what you guessed right to drink .you are an individual with rights just as your husband has.

Girls, tradition does not allow you to be a slave to anyone if tradition was right you would be leaving without his sorry ass abusing you.You are a woman who should be treated with respect and dignity,what kind of man is he who insults you infront of his daughter?how will he feel if his daughter is treated the way he is treating you? unfortunately your child is seeing this as a way to be treated by men you should shield your child from this kind of treatment.You don't need Bashibukombe he's useless,girl what you need is a restraining order from the Police(Babuju)if he lays a finger on you he goes straight to jail,misses a turn and does not collect $100.You don't one choice you have plenty choices either you stay alive and raise your child or your child becomes an orphan the choice is plain you make the call,the ball is in your court my sister.i am a man and your husband needs a good beating by fellow men,don't you have brothers and cousins?set them onhis ass next time he does that.

The catholic church frowns upon divorce,but did you know that abusive marriages end up either one of the spouses dying?the church wont tell you that fact.You made a good decision marrying but the guy you married is a dog

 So much for the Black Stallion, the Zambian Stud - that Zambians think are so desirable - even though these guys are beastly, and seem to be AIDS prone.

You sound young - your story makes me even the more happier, than I'm not in your shoes.  I think most Zambian men are as you describe.

My sincere advice to you - in terms of counseling. Did you sincerely pray for your mate?

Did you know that fornication is sin - and although it resulted in a beautiful child - that this -being the gateway into a marriage - could have led you to marriage to the wrong person?

The bible permits divorce on the account of adultary.

If you have evidence of his adultary - I'd divorce him -one of the reasons, being that you are quite likely to end up with AIDS or an STD -if you remain in the relationship

I would encourage divorce just for your own health.

I find it interesting how many Zambians think that marriage -even if to someone who earns less than a woman, is insecure, philandering, etc. -is preferable to being single.  Surely, there are better men out there than what you have.

 Wel Britany this is complicated. What i can say is dont die in the name of love.

Abouttown, Just because you have had a poor experience with Church and pastors does not give you the right to advise poorly about your narrow opinions. Swearing and cursing pastors is a sign of immaturity on your part and I would advise that you give advice that is both relevant and helpful to Brittany and not some rantings from an individual who lacks self control. I bet you've given a few beatings yourself in the past and are using this space to redeem yourself by giving some ill thout out advice to a vulnerable girl. Think before you write and open your mind to broader possibilities than the alcoholic pastors you have grown up around. Beating the fool will only make him angrier and set him on her in a more agressive way which could lead to her death. Using the law and intelligence will get him away from her and keep him away at the same time providing her with safety and time to think about possibly relocating to another town or country even. Quoting monopoly moves will not help her out of her situation. An abused woman is unable to see clearly and must be handled with care and a gentle aproach to her situation. If you do not understand this, please allow us who have lived her life advise her and tell her what worked for us. If she was here in the US it would have been a piece of cake but back home, we have to sorce other methods. You would do well if you are in Zambia, to go and look up domestic abuse services and get their contact info, it is not available on line, you could also find out from any police station what their programs are and post that information for Brittny as a start instead of wishing you coul add more violence to her already turbulent life. Use your brain to fight, its the strongest weapon there is.

 Dear American,

Don't generalize and say most Zambians when you may have only encountered a few. There are millions of us who have made different choices and acepted different standards for ourselves. You have to realize that many Americans do what Zambians do, make do in a marriage for fear of the 'single' stigma. This I know because I work with domestic abuse victims and see the numbers droning in right here in the US. Many women have been in their relationships five years and above and are only now coming out because there are more secure systems put in place to help these women transition. Take time to study domestic violence, its reasons and its occurrances on a global scale then look at which countries have effective systems set in place. You will notice a pattern. Those that have transtional systems that work have less domestic violence re-occurance, those that don't, have more.

Here's a job for you, why not get out of your armchair and design global systems that will help women who have been mentally and physically abused. Create places where women can go to, so they can learn to believe in themselves again and realize that they can survive on there own, then create financing to help them manage their new lives and take care of their children in safe environments. Until you can do all that, you are not qualified to utter a word about what Zambian women do and the choices they make. I'd say you have your work cut out for you and it will be a while before we hear from your lofty, safe, abuse free comfortable judgemental chair again right?